I didn't expect to be writing a blog post tonight. I haven't been on here since April, and truth be told, I've been avoiding the internet altogether. Not a bad thing, it turns out. It's good to have boundaries.

I ask forgiveness in advance: this will be a ranty-rambly post with no coherent structure. There really aren't words for the month of May, anyways.

Some of you know that I have changed jobs. I won't go into all the specifics except to say: it has been the most needed change. It took months for it to come together but once it did, suddenly I was putting in my notice, and seeing the date, my last day, on the calendar every day in the break room. It was weird. Weird isn't even the correct word. It felt. . .pretend. I am not a change-loving person, so it is difficult for me to connect with the realness of something until I've spent a long time in it. Still, almost two weeks into my new job, I'm not sure it has stuck. . .yet.

For a couple weeks in May I worked my usual but on my day off I trained at my new job. It was. . .rough. I don't recommend 46 hrs. in a week if you can help it, but hey, I can survive many things. #ha

Changing workplaces is hard. I know it's not always the case. Some jobs you really hate, and can't wait to get out of. But this, for me, has deeper roots. It was the first job I took when I moved, and I haven't. . .moved since. It's the place I literally grew up. Three years of blood, sweat, and tears. It's the reason I'm in this corner of the world. Everyone there. . .we're a family and I guess we all felt like I was moving out or something.

Goodbyes are hard and that's a cliché as true as anything else I know.

. . . .

The point of why I'm sitting down tonight and typing this isn't to chronicle May (it would take hours and those details are for my journal, not the world), however I was working on a creative project this morning and listening to my fav The RobCast. They were discussing "Awakening" and "Awareness" (I will spare you the gobly-wordy-mess of it because I don't fully understand it, nor do I entirely believe their premise) - however I always come away from a RobCast with at least one interesting/hopeful thing even if I have to weed through everything else. In their discussion they explained that humans are, "aware" of things happening around them, all the time. Humans are also "aware" that they are aware - meaning "I am experiencing this, and I also know I am experiencing it" in a way that is both physical and mental.

My favorite part was their shift into the essence of time and how it changes based on perception. For example if I asked, "where are you?" your only true answer would be: "here." While you might have an adjective to tack along with that, say: "I am here in Florida", but when it really comes down to it, humans can only exist in the present. If I asked, "where do you see yourself in five years?", anything you say wouldn't be real. It could only be an imagination, something you can see but isn't reality. In truth, you can't be anywhere in five years because five years hasn't happened.

You know the buzz phrases, "stay where your feet are" "be present" etc. In fact I have a sticker on my water bottle that says in bold letters YOU ARE HERE the other day a guy complimented my sticker choice after he asked if it was for sale #haha

I am as guilty as anyone for feeling like I can't be as present as I think is necessary. I am rushing all over and even when it feels like life is slowing, my brain is. . .moving so fast. I can't keep from thinking ahead, to something, anything. Even on my way home, my mind isn't just on the road, it makes a list of things I should do when I get home, this weekend, the bills I need to pay - all the things.

And I guess what I'm saying is that I can beat myself up for feeling like I'm anywhere but here, when really, it's only imaginative. I only think I am not here. "Being present" is a mindset, I get that. However I just. . .felt so relieved when I heard, "you have never been anywhere but here."

Does any of this make sense? No idea. Maybe listen to them, and tell me if it feels the same. Maybe we don't have to worry ourselves sick over something that isn't physically possible. You could use less worry in your life, right? Me too, friend.

xxx.
k.